One day while talking about a particularly traumatic thing in my past, I started to get frustrated. I mentioned that this had been talked about over and over again, but here I was still - same place, same feelings, same bondage to shame. It felt like groundhog day, but it was happening in real life for me with one of the hardest things I had ever faced.
She took a minute to let me cry and vent, then she calmly started praying over me. She didn't ask me to repeat the story, or to analyze my thoughts and feelings. Instead, she asked the Spirit to reveal the a particular instance to me. I immediately pictured the scene that I always went back to. As I felt myself tense up she then asked Jesus to reveal where he was.
I have blogged about this before. I use to feel that my life before Jesus and after Jesus was exactly what that sounded like - that the before part meant Jesus wasn't around and He came after I invited him. This instance was in the before part, and I honestly never really gave it much thought about where Jesus was.
There's a song I have been listening to recently called "Another in the Fire" by Hillsong United. I absolutely love the acoustic version, and can rarely get through it without tears of brokenness as well as tears of absolute awe of his love for me. The chorus says, "There was another in the fire standing next to me. There was another in the waters holding back the sea. And should I ever need reminding what power set me free there is a grave that holds no body and now that power lives in me."
In the moment that this woman prayed for Jesus to reveal where he was when I was going through that trauma, I saw - very clearly- a picture of him standing in front of me. He was weeping, but he held my gaze. He was holding one hand out to me and the other was held back behind him - a gesture of power, stopping evil in his tracks. There was something awful happening, but it was not what it could have been. I was not being swallowed up by the enemy or destroyed beyond his redemption. He acknowledged my brokenness, fear, and pain by holding my gaze and looking at me with love and empathy while holding out his own scarred hand for me to see.
He was in the fire with me. He held back the waters.
There was never a before and after with him. "There is no other name but the name that is Jesus. He who was and still is and will be through it all."
This one revelation changed the way I pray and live my life. As I pray for my family and friends who don't yet know Jesus, I pray that their eyes would be open to the fact that they are never alone no matter what they are going through. I pray that they see the evil that is being held back and the power in the one who is doing the holding. I pray that in my own life they will see that the darkness bows to the one living in me, the one whose name is the only thing that can stand against it.
"And should I ever need reminding of how good you've been to me I'll count the joy in every battle, because I know that's where you'll be." (Click the link below to hear the song!)