Skip to main content

emotional chaos

So, I kind of had a breakdown today.

We are getting ready to road trip for a little over two months to do some support raising for our missions work in South Sudan.  We have a lot of parties planned with people and places that we need to be at certain times.  We had someone give us a van, and we really appreciate that.  However, that van came from Ohio, and there is no inspection in Ohio.  There is, however, inspection in NY.  And apparently, after 13 counts against us, said van is going to be about $1800 just to get us to code.  And we can't leave tomorrow as planned because it will be in the shop all day.  Sigh...not exactly as we planned.

However, as inconvenient as it feels, it is not melt down worthy.

So I was sitting and crying and feeling inexplicable angry at God.  Then Shawn mentioned something to me that became clear.  None of these feelings are about the van or the inconvenience, or even the money that we have to spend.  It's about good-byes.  And denial.  And endings.  And enormous amounts of loss that we are facing in our lives.

I realize in my head that we are coming back to the area in March, and since we don't know what will happen with our support raising on this trip (we are praying for miracles) we have no idea how long we will be here before we take off again for training.  So even though last night was our last night at Compelled, and Shawn is officially done as pastor, I have been able to deny that things are changing.  That they have changed.  That even when we come back, things are going to be different.

I know that doesn't mean my relationships have to suffer.  I have deep friendships with others that I do not see each day.  But this phase of life - with kids growing up and into teens, losing my mom to cancer, and learning so many things about myself and who I am - this stage of life has been navigated with some amazing people whom I have grown to depend upon a great deal for prayer, encouragement, acceptance, and love.  And I love them deeply.

So even though I am excited about the things that the are in our future - immediate and the future in South Sudan - I am also really, really sad about this change.  Even though I know this is a choice, and we made the decision to go - it was also a choice to obey God and do what He is asking.  So while there is excitement, anticipation, and joy in the choice, there is also grief, anger, and emptiness in it.  And each of those take turns coming out.  Sometimes they try to come out all together, and they fight until one wins.  Like the anger today.

This life is so crazy.  And I still choose to believe that there is hope and joy and thankfulness abounding in all this.  But today was just hard - and there will be other, even harder days ahead as we return to say real goodbyes.  Thanks for your prayers.  


Popular posts from this blog

Bookends of Beauty

I love the bride of Christ.

I know that many of you reading this have seen the ugly, the broken, the spiteful.  It has been aimed at you or someone you love and the hurt has caused so much pain that you ran.  Maybe you are still physically present, but your heart is not fully in.  I understand.  We've been in full time ministry for 23 years now.  You can't be in this type of life without experiencing some of that ugliness - or handing it our yourself. 

However, I have been reminded again recently how beautiful it can be when it is done as a picture of Him. 

In the last few churches that we have been at where Shawn has pastored we have had a point in our time there where we had to admit that we couldn't do it anymore.  These churches in the States were ones that were under redevelopment - meaning on the brink of closing for one reason or another - and we were brought in to see if there was any health left and to push it in that direction if the answer was yes.  That means …

Kwaheri Kenya

It's my last night calling Africa home.

I feel like the last several weeks I have been on auto pilot - doing the things I needed to do to wrap up work well and get things in place.  This week we had a lot of goodbyes, however my eyes stayed dry and my emotions in check.

But today...

What a hard, beautiful, honoring, loving, joy and sorrow filled day.

I was standing and looking out the window tonight and feeling like this chapter has come to a close.  I don't just mean Kenya - though that is the immediate, in-your-face thing.  But this dream of living in Africa.  Ever since we spent the year in Malawi I have longed to come back and live.  We lived in the most rural you possibly could in South Sudan to the crazy chaos of Nairobi in Kenya, as well as the in-between in Blantyre.  I've seen poverty I could never have imagined, and money that I never knew existed.  I've lived on the brink of war and through insane elections.  And I've shown off this life I've loved …


Listening to music always speaks to my heart in ways that seem to break through even my most grumpy, tired, or distant flesh.  I have a current favorite right now that I could listen to non-stop, and whenever I hear it I feel like my emotions explode to the surface. 

"Peace, bring it all to peace
The storm surrounding me
Let it break at your name..."

If you've listened to Christian radio or worship in a place in with contemporary music at all you've probably heard the song "Tremble."  It's not new.  Nor is it filled with a truth I have not heard before.  But something in these lyrics touches me deeply in this time of my life.

Right before we left Kenya I spoke at our church ladies retreat.  One of the things we talked about the first night was how we are in a battle.  We so often and so easily believe the lies that are whispered to us from Satan and shouted to us from the world about who we are, our worth, and our identity.  The longer we allow these l…